Mea Culpa
by Icybun34
Summary: Coming home feels hollow. Well, to be honest, everything feels hollow nowadays. Which, surprisingly, is a relief to Eddward because he still remembers the time where every day felt like an icepick to the sternum, causing his lungs to fill with blood until he just couldn't breathe. DISCLAIMER: eventual KevEdd, yaoi, history of self-harm, angst, Nat belongs to c2ndy2c1d
1. Prologue

Coming home feels hollow.

Well, to be honest, everything feels hollow nowadays. Which, surprisingly, is a relief to Eddward because he still remembers the time where every day felt like an icepick to the sternum, causing his lungs to fill with blood until he just _couldn't breathe._

The numbness is a nice reprieve and so he welcomes it, basks in it even though it's obvious that his apathy makes his parents incredibly uncomfortable as they busy themselves unpacking his things.

Which isn't really a lot. Eddward hadn't taken anything with him- hadn't been in the mindset to take anything with him- and his parents had been much too concerned with keeping up appearances to think of sending Eddward any of his belongings and so, over the years, he's only managed to accumulate enough to barely fill a single medium-sized suitcase but his parents busy themselves with unpacking it, shoving the few articles of clothing into old, labelled drawers and the few odd books onto his dusty worn shelf.

"I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to cleaning it." His mother says nervously, still unable to meet her disappointment of a son's eyes. "I know you like things to be in order. But, you know, I've been so busy with things lately."

Eddwards nods, pretending to understand why his absent mother couldn't be bothered to dust his room in the nearly four years that he's been gone but in truth, he couldn't be bothered enough to care either way. He had only ever cleaned because he was so worried that if he didn't, and his parents happened to actually come home, that they would be so disappointed in him that they wouldn't bother to stay or even come around at all anymore.

Now, all Eddward wants is solitude.

His parents leave him in his room without much more fuss, having been reminded repeatedly by his therapist to give him space upon his return as to not increase his level of anxiety. But, unsurprisingly, all Eddward is feeling is tiredness and he awaits the time where he reasonably dart off to bed without arousing any suspicions and sleep and sleep and sleep.

What he once regarded as merely a necessary function in order to remain healthy is now his favorite part of the day and any emotion he may currently be feeling is centered around the approaching mark of 9:00 where he can shed his clothes and fall into his usual comatose state.

He joins his parents for dinner, feigning normal human emotion as his parents mechanically attempt to make conversation with him- something they didn't even bother to do when he was healthy and happy- attempting, and failing, to incite excitement in him in regards to his return to regular school tomorrow.

But in actuality, Eddward knows that they just didn't want his old school to be featured on his diploma, fearing that it would scare off potential university recruiters from adding Eddward to their collection of Ivy League drones and in doing so, have cemented Eddward's status as a miserable failure.

Eddward makes noncommittal noises and nods and when 9:00 comes around, he feigns an excessive amount of yawning and stretching till his parents suggest that he get some sleep to prepare for his upcoming return to normal civilization.

Eddward feels a semblance of excitement as he fights not to rush up the stairs, feeling something akin to eagerness as he hastily strips off his clothing and clambers into bed.

It is only when he settles that he realizes how he used to be and, with a sigh, he lumbers off the bed and collects his clothing, folding them neatly before placing them in their respective labelled drawers.

He takes out a pair of stiff, new pajamas- having been gone so long that his old, well-worn pair no longer fit his awkward teenaged frame- and puts them on with a note of distaste before returning to his bed.

Staring up at the ceiling which features his old solar system model, dusty and labelled like everything from his old life, and feels a twinge of bitterness at the memory of how he used to be.

Sighing and forcing his eyes shut, he turns to his side, curling into a fetal position and tugging the covers over his head as he forces himself into dreamless slumber.

Still, before sleep claims him, he can't help but think

 _Welcome back to Peach Creek, Eddward. Try not to fuck up again._

That night, Eddward doesn't dream.


	2. Chapter 1

When Kevin reaches school, everyone is in an uproar.

He parks Baby in his usual spot, helmet tucked under his arm as he makes his way across the parking lot, trying to make sense of the cacophony of whispers that surrounds him.

By the time, Kevin enters through the lobby, he's gathered that there's a new student but is missing what exactly about this kid's identity has made him so goddamn fascinating to the entirety of Peach Creek High student body.

Locating a familiar mop of teal-colored hair, Kevin makes his way towards his best friend, waving and nodding at passing students.

Nat is practically buzzing with enthusiasm when Kevin bumps shoulders with him. "Yo." He offers in way of greeting, eyes darting around to take in the overly excited atmosphere "The fuck is goin' on?"

Nat offers him his usual shit-eating grin and jerks his thumb behind him. "We got ourselves our very own tall, dark, and handsome enigma of a man and let me just say-" He waggles his eyebrows "-the response so far has been _very_ positive."

Kevin leans to the side to peer over Nat's shoulder in the direction he was pointing and finds himself seeing a very familiar but yet equally foreign face and realizes very belatedly who that face belongs to and what has the school in such an uproar.

"Holy shit." He breathes. "That's Double D."

And for a second, it feels almost _wrong_ to call him that because the teenager in front of him doesn't seem to be the Double D he knew years ago. Sure, there's the same wide, green eyes, button-nose and gap-tooth countenance framed by jet black curls, forever shoved under an old black beanie, but something was undoubtedly _different._ Yes, he was taller and yes, his jawline was sharper and slender body frame somewhat more defined but something seemed so off, so vastly different and unknown that he wasn't sure he could call this kid Double D.

Yeah, he could see why everyone was so interested.

" _That's_ Double D?!" Nat exclaims, jaw hanging open almost comically wide. " _That's_ the mute kid you used to harass to no end all because you secretly-"

"-Yeah." Kevin cuts him off abruptly. "That's him."

Nat regards him with a wide-eyed, bewildered stare. "…Damn." He says, after a brief moment of silence.

Kevin agrees with his perplexed sentiment and finds himself staring unabashedly at the scapegoat of his youth until suddenly, as if aware of his presence, Edd turns and catches Kevin's gaze.

Kevin's mouth goes dry as his palms start to sweat and he wants desperately to say something, _anything_ to make up for how he used to treat the young brainiac, before he realizes what is so different about Edd.

 _He looks like a robot._

Cold, blank eyes meet Kevin's apathetically, with an icy sort of detachment that nearly has Kevin physically recoiling. Edd looks dead. Like a zombie. There's no life in his eyes. That's not the kid Kevin grew up with.

The bell sounds, causing Edd to break his gaze as he moves towards his class. Nat frowns at the exchange. "Wow man." He offers, pulling Kevin out of his trance "That was intense. Dude seems real frigid."

"Yeah." Kevin returns weakly, allowing Nat to pull him to class. "Wonder what happened."

But inside, his mind screams at him

 _You know exactly what happened._

And it kills him.

* * *

Marie finds him during lunch.

He had decided to spend his lunch period in the library, far away from the unrelenting gaze of his peers, where he can sit and read and even sleep if he so desired without being observed like some new display at the zoo.

Marie sits next to him without much preamble and Eddward prepares himself for a barrage of questions but is instead treated to only a small smile. "Hey." She offers, almost shyly, as if asking if it was alright to sit there and greet him.

Somewhat calmed- _and maybe even grateful?_ \- for her soft spoken greeting, he returns her sentiment "Salutations."

Seemingly relieved at his acknowledgement and acceptance of her presence, she relaxes into her seat and pulls out a book to read.

They sit in silence until the bell rings.

* * *

Naz finds him during lunch.

She fixes Kevin with a knowing gaze as she dumps her lunch tray and bag on the table.

"Well." She demands and Kevin, though annoyed by her assumption, is unable to deny her any response.

"Well, nothing." He says grumpily, digging into his disgusting lunch with faked enthusiasm. Naz raises an eyebrow, wholly unamused. "I take it you know he's back."

Kevin tries- and fails- to ignore her. She rolls her eyes and settles into her own lunch "Did you talk to him?" She tries again.

Unlike Nat, Naz knows practically _everything_ (save that one night that Kevin will keep secret till the day he dies) and her unwavering moral compass has her pressuring Kevin to make things right.

"What the fuck am I gonna say, Naz?" Kevin responds, praying that she'll drop it while secretly hoping that maybe she has the answers to all his problems and knows what exactly to say to Edd that can make this ball of lead that Kevin's carried around for almost four years disappear.

Naz stops for a second at that, mulling it over before sighing "You gotta do something, Kev." She says finally, her large doe eyes searching Kevin's. Kevin echoes her sigh "I know." He responds "I just gotta think about what to say first, I wanna do this right." He sighs again "I don't wanna make it worse."

"The worst you can do is say nothing." She says, finally relenting when Nat reaches the table.

They fall into - _forced-_ easy conversation as Kevin ponders in the back of his mind if there is any way he can make this right?

 _How can you apologize for breaking someone?_


	3. Chapter 2

A week goes by and eventually the hype fades as everyone realizes that Edd isn't so much as mysterious as utterly misanthropic and wants nothing to do with anybody.

The much anticipated reunion of the three Eds never happens and with its failure to return to the status quo comes an almost uneasy sort of peace that seems to engulf all of Peace Creek High.

Those who hadn't known Edd from middle school return to everyday life as they know it with little fuss but for those who _did_ know Edd, it takes a great deal of effort to resume normal activities because deep down, they all know that something must have gone _horribly, horribly_ wrong for sweet, innocent, nerdy little Double D to leave for four years and return as the zombie known as Eddward.

What makes everyone even more uncomfortable is the weird, tenuous friendship that exists between this Eddward and Marie Kanker. Away from her sisters, Marie is surprisingly quiet and intuitive and the sudden leap from her usual obnoxious, hormone-driven antics coupled with the disquieting presence that is Eddward Vincent is something that has the original Cul-de-Sac group feeling decidedly unsettled.

It doesn't help that with each passing day, Naz's pointed look gets a little more fierce and even a touch disappointed and makes the guilt that sits in the pit of Kevin's stomach burn as if made of acid.

It takes two weeks before Kevin musters up the courage to talk to Edd.

He skips baseball practice, feigning a serious stomachache and races home on his motorcycle before hopping off and sprinting to Edd's house to camp out on his porch till the gap-toothed genius gets home.

He's not disappointed.

Edd turns the corner, gaze disinterested and wholly focused on the ground before him as he approaches. It isn't until Kevin's feet enter his range of vision that he looks up suddenly, looking panicked for just the barest hint of a second (and it's the most emotion Kevin's seen from the kid since he got back) before settling into his usual, apathetic glare.

"I believe you're looking for that particular piece of property." Edd drawls, thumb pointing lazily to Kevin's house behind him, and _holy shit_ his voice got deep. "As this is in fact _my house_ , I would like for you to vacate the premises immediately."

He goes to step around Kevin and Kevin, on instinct, reaches out to grab his arm.

Edd flinches violently.

Kevin jerks back his hand instantaneously, staring dumbly at the back of Edd's beanie-covered head. " _Shit,_ Edd, I'm sorry, man. I wasn't thinking." He took a deep breath to ground himself. "Look, man, can we please just talk?"

Eddward's voice is deathly quiet "I don't owe you anything, Kevin." _Not even one iota of my time._ It's familiar, something Kevin has heard him say before, and it causes him to physically recoil.

Kevin's voice mirrors the quiet intensity of Edd's "I know. Believe me, I know." He looks away, unable to meet Edd's cold, unfeeling gaze. "You don't owe me a damn thing."

He feels Eddward's gaze burning into the side of his head for a few moments before he finally sighs. "Very well." He says, sounding incredibly tired all of a sudden. "Come in."

Kevin scrambles to get up, hurriedly tugging off his shoes- even though Edd didn't tell him too, because he still remembers a time where Double D would rather _die_ than let anyone into his house with their shoes on- and following Edd into the house.

Edd marches up the stairs without any preamble, leaving Kevin to scurry behind him, too terrified that at any moment the boy genius will change his mind and demand Kevin leave at once, stopping only when Edd flops on the bed and fixes him with that dead, dead stare.

"Well?" He demands.

Kevin freezes for a moment because he still hasn't figured out what to say to make everything all right so he just stands there dumbly, trying to convey his every emotion on his face as he peers into blank green eyes.

"I'm sorry." He says.

Edd's eyes widened near-imperceptively and his nostrils flare slightly and that's all the indication he gives that he heard Kevin. Inside his chest, Kevin's heart races and he waits for some sort of response.

A few minutes tick by before Edd huffs "Is that all?"

Kevin tries not to be disheartened.

"No- I mean, _yes,_ in that- well I'm…" He took another breath "I'm so sorry Edd. For how I treated you, how I let others treat you, how I reacted to what you said." He shook his head "I didn't handle any of it right and that wasn't fair to you."

Against his best wishes, he felt his eyes getting wet. "I did everything wrong and I know that, because of it, you got hurt and that's wrong. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do to make it right but I-"

He was abruptly cut off

"Make it right?" Eddward interrupted tonelessly. "Is that what this is? Some pathetic _mea culpa_ so that you can sleep better through the night?" Edd stands so quickly that Kevin jumps a little and viciously yanks his hoodie and thermal over his head.

Clad in just a tshirt, there's nothing to hide the multitude of scars littering his arms. Kevin stares, feeling so icily numb, and so completely _devastated_ at the sight, as his eyes rake over each and every mark. There are dozens of thin, white scars crisscrossing over and over again from his wrist to where his shirt meets his arm mid-bicep. What really stands out though are two long, vertical scars, each one angry, puckered and red, starting from just above his wrist and ending just below his elbow.

He meets Edd's gaze with a horrified look of his own and Edd grins humorlessly "It was just my luck that that was the _one_ day that my parents happened to come home early."

Kevin wants to throw up.

"Edd, I…" He suddenly feels the bile rising- too fast, _too fast,_ never going to make it to the bathroom- and he turns to Edd's labelled wastebasket and vomits up everything he's had to eat that day.

When he's finished, he wipes the bile and snot and tears and looks to Edd, who looks completely unimpressed as he points to the door. "Out."

He shakes his head "Edd, I-"

" _Out."_

And like the coward Kevin's slowly realizing that he is, Kevin turns and _leaves_.

He doesn't go to school for the rest of the week.

* * *

When Kevin returns to school, it's Marie that waiting for him at his locker.

He waves off a concerned Naz and confused Nat and follows Marie to the old freshman corridor before ducking out the only door that isn't digitally monitored by campus security and taking a seat on a grassy patch behind the school's dumpster.

The smell of rotting fruit and Peach Creek High's infamous meatloaf surprise covers the smell of the cigarette that Marie lights.

She doesn't offer one to Kevin.

Letting the cigarette dangle from her lips, neither inhaling nor exhaling the smoke, she fixes Kevin with a hard, calculating stare.

And Kevin, despite being one of the leading athletes of the tricounty area, all 6'1 and tanned muscle, can't help but feel so small in that moment. Like little 5-foot Marie Kanker could crush him in the palm of her hand and Kevin would be powerless to stop her.

Because he secretly knows he deserves nothing less.

Marie just looks right through him and smokes her cigarette.

"Fuckin' hell."

She states in that quiet deadpan of hers, flicking the ash off her cigarette. Kevin couldn't agree more.

Finally, he says, his voice impossibly shaky "What do I do?" He asks, praying to find the answer in the face of Edd's best friend. "How do I fix this?"

Marie fixes him with another vicious look. She takes her cigarette in both hands and, without blinking an eye, rips the cigarette in half, sending bits and pieces of tobacco and paper flying everywhere.

She puts the two main pieces of the cigarette in front on Kevin, the lit end still sending curls of smoke into the air. The wind picks up then, sending more and more tobacco flying everywhere till the two pieces are just mostly empty, rolled up bits of paper.

She looks at Kevin "Fix it." She commands bitterly.

And Kevin doesn't know what to say because _yes, he gets her point_ but no, he can't let things be, can't accept that he can't atone for what he's done and that Edd is too broken to be fixed- because _goddamit_ he's a person, not some crispy bits of ashy tobacco and paper- so he just stays stubbornly still.

She raises an eyebrow "That's what I thought." She stands and goes back inside.

Kevin just sits there, the smell of rotting food and burning tobacco pungent and cloying in the air.

* * *

It's lunch time when Kevin finally finds her again.

She's sitting with her sisters, twirling rubbery spaghetti around her spork as she pretends to listen to what her obnoxious siblings have to say.

He marches right up to her and carefully places the cigarette on the table as if that disgusting piece of trash held all the answers.

It had taken him a better part of an hour to piece the remnants of the cigarette back together. He had painstakingly worked to carefully tuck one half of the cigarette inside the other, wetting the paper slightly so it would stick better. It ended up being roughly one-third the size of the original cigarette and looked absolutely pathetic but he meets Marie's gaze with a bittersweet sense of accomplishment all the same.

"You have to be careful with it and you can't flick it or treat it roughly and it won't be as easy as an unbroken one but it still works and can still carry out its purpose and it's still worth something."

His voice doesn't waver.

"It can be fixed."

Mae and Lee regard him and the cigarette with absolute disgust and are quick to voice their distaste but Marie is quiet and thoughtful as she regards Kevin.

Mae turns to her sister "Who woulda guessed what Kevin would do for a smoke." Lee snorts "It's pathetic."

Kevin doesn't take his eyes off Marie "That's right. I'll do anything."

A small grin makes its way onto Marie's face.

"I'll take it under consideration."

As Kevin makes his way to his next class, he can't help but feel like he's gained a powerful ally- someone who can and _will_ help him to help Edd.

It's the most optimistic he's felt in weeks.


	4. Chapter 3

After hearing his new therapist wax poetic about the importance of participation, Eddward finally decides to go out for the swim team.

It'll look good on his transcript (which will keep his parents off his back), it requires the absolute minimum amount of peer interaction and all it takes is swimming from one side of the pool to the other as fast as possible which is a simple matter of applied physics.

(And most importantly, when he practices alone at night in the pool, there's not a soul there who can hear his screams bubbling just under the water's surface.)

Between his dead eyes and vicious swimming, it's not long before the team has likened him to a shark, proudly turning it into a nickname which they embroider onto a letterman for him when he wins them the semi-regionals.

He nods his head and wears it in the hopes that it'll make the students (and teachers) stop staring and whispering so much.

Marie laughs when she sees it.

Still, she goes to all his meets and cheers obnoxiously loud (reliving her childhood enthusiasm in those few moments despite having lair it's innocence long ago) when his name is called, holding up signs with inappropriately graphic chants pertaining to his corny nickname scribbled on them (and subsequently hiding them from staff members as long as possible till they're finally confiscated and she's given another warning or detention).

Eddward likes to pretend like he doesn't know her when she does this, choosing to ignore her ridiculous displays of 'team spirit' which she usually responds to with even greater embarrassing acts- such as sneaking into the locker room to steal his clothes or snapping the elastic of his speedo as he discusses strategy with his teammates.

He's come to accept her wildly inappropriate playful side as the discomfort it elicits from the general public (who are frequently the unassuming victims of her manic antics) is well worth any potential inconvenience it may cause him.

He's come to realise the benefits of her easy friendship far outweigh the cons of her quirks (which are no doubt a result of her broken upbringing)

(Plus, even as emotionally stunted as he is, he can't deny the weird feeling that arises at the sight of a familiar face cheering for him at every single one of his events.)

* * *

"Do you think Dobrenski stuffs his speedo?"

Eddward can't help but roll his eyes, ignoring her question in favour of stealing her lit cigarette and inhaling with everything he's got (he used to relish the burning feeling it left in his throat. Now, like everything else, it feels like nothing. Still, though, he's found himself quite taken by the acrid smell of the smoke and the way it clings to his clothes).

He exhales and basks in the smoky, musky silence, watching a strange expression cross Marie's face.

Marie teeters with a thought for a second before gathering up the courage to ask "Do you ever think of him?"

The gaze Eddward fixes on her would send anyone else scurrying away but after months of his less than warm and fuzzy behaviour and a lifetime of an emotionally abusive home life, she simply stares.

Now Eddward knows that deep down Marie still loves him and that he could probably manipulate her into avoiding that question but some strange sort of fondness has grown since he's come back and he finds himself willing (something no one at his old school managed to get from him in four years) to consider his inquiry.

He shrugs. "Sometimes." He says quietly.

( _Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't been so optimistic- if I'd kept it to myself._

 _Sometimes I think about what my life would be like had we never met._

 _Sometimes I dream about what my life would be like if he'd felt the same._ )

Marie nods "I won't bring it up again." Still, that strange expression lingers on her face.

They both watch the smoke curl tendrils into the autumn air.

* * *

"Any day would be great, ya'know. Ass hat."

Kevin looks up at that, yanking his headphones it just in time to hear Marie get shushed by the librarian. Marie just raises an eyebrow and pointedly sits in front of Kevin with her back to the scolding librarian.

"What happen to that Bob the builder attitude you had weeks ago?"

Kevin swallowed nervously, unsure how to tell Marie about all the nightmares he's been having lately- stumbling into Eddward's house just to find him dead, wrists slashed, and floating in a bathtub filled full with bloody water.

He doesn't want his next move to result in another scar on Edd's arms or another attempt to end it all.

The four-year old ball of lead in his stomach has become a crushing weight encompassing his entire body and he's at a total loss on how to keep his head up when the gravity of his actions pull him closer and closer to the ground and his rightful place in the hell waiting beneath it.

"What happens if it goes wrong, Marie?"

He whispers, remembering the scattered shreds of burning paper and tobacco leaves and realising that that charred, broken cigarette might actually be _less_ fragile than Eddward is right now.

Marie sighs.

"It might." She says after awhile, fiddling with the corner of his notebook.

"And it might not change anything."

Kevin gives a bitter laugh at the less than stellar pep talk.

"But do you want to be the kind of person who did what he did and then didn't even bother to ever make amends?"

She starts ripping the corner of his notebook into little pieces and he lets her, watching each piece get smaller and smaller.

"I don't think you're ever going to 'fix' him Kevin and I don't think you should try."

She began to stand.

"But Edd deserves closure and you owe him that."

Kevin groans, only to jump nearly out of his skin when the librarian loudly shushes him.

Marie gives a little smirk and a two finger salute as she left the library.

 _"But how_?"

Kevin thinks.

 _How?_

* * *

Kevin _really_ doesn't want to ambush Eddward again.

But he does because he knows that Edd would never willingly face the nightmare of his youth and Kevin is starting to get desperate to make things right- so much so that he hadn't slept for days and the delirium is starting to noticeably set in- so he waits again at Edd's doorstep.

And while he sits there, part of him hopes Edd's parents will come home so that Kevin can see that Edd has some sort of home life. But that moment never comes and as night approaches, Kevin is broken out of his half-delirious state by the smell of smoke and the visible cherry butt of a cigarette glowing in the darkness.

"Why?"

Is all Eddward asks, ashing his cigarette too close to Kevin's skin for comfort but he does nothing but clear his too dry throat and watch as Edd sidesteps him to open his door.

"I'm gay."

Kevin says and watches as Edd completely freezes in the doorstep, every fibre of his body tensing completely.

"Can we talk?"

Eddward doesn't even breathe and yet in that silence Kevin knows that's he only chance he'll ever get.


End file.
